Six.

It's time for me to let go of the past.

My longest and most serious relationship lasted six years.

It wasn't the healthiest. In fact, it had a rocky start, and a rocky ending. We both projected our insecurities onto each other, like a tennis ball being hit back and forth over a net. 

We were two loners who found solace in each other. Two hurt people who used their defensiveness like a shield to protect a heart that had been hurt so many times. The loneliness was soon replaced with co-dependency. 

In my last relationship, I was cheated on. The trauma of that tore through our relationship like a knife. Paranoia. Insecurity. Trust issues. Checking your phone, reading your messages. You always told me you had nothing to hide, and it was true. You let me go through your phone, despite it making you uncomfortable.

And then - one day, I just stopped. I stopped caring. I realized all this energy I put into being scared of getting hurt again was pointless. Then, the Zoloft came. Zoloft healed me, and allowed me to fix my anxious attachment, my depressive episodes, my confidence, my self-worth.

I began to love myself. But it seemed that the more I loved myself, the harder you began to cling on. The more I felt okay without you, the more control you wanted to have. 

It was always a push and pull with us. A karmic lesson. A projection of each other. I was able to heal my wounds, but the more I grew, the farther I was leaving you behind.

Unable to face your inner demons, you kept hurting people around you. People that cared about you. I always defended you, because I knew the love that you were capable of. But, I was also blinded and silenced by the burning anger you held deep within. 

You became more controlling, possessive, and insecure. A series of unfortunate events where I was left crying, unhappy, and miserable. This wasn't the same type of love that we had before. I began to resent you. I knew that you were too flawed to be the one for me. I knew that I couldn't fix you if you didn't want to fix yourself.

I felt trapped. We had an apartment together. I was financially dependent on you. The resentment built. Our arguments always left you upset. They triggered me, because I could never get through to you. Your anger always won. And that taught me that I could never talk things out with you, if I was always scared and silenced. It was suffocating, and I wanted out. You cannot learn to love a person who will not even love themselves.

But I am not here to talk about our mistakes. I am not perfect. We hurt each other many times, but we grew from it. Instead, I want to reflect on our relationship, and how grateful I am to have known you. I am grateful that I experienced a childlike love that was so tender, it was healing.

Thank you for loving me so much. For building my confidence up so that I could learn to love myself. Thank you for being there for me through my roughest moments. I am a more healed, loving version of myself because of you.

I did not only lose a love, but a friendship as well. There was no one else who understood me as much as you did. Your silly jokes, your laughter, your warm hugs and tenderness. I will forever miss the connection we had. I never felt misunderstood. Despite your own insecurities and demons, you always made me feel seen. You were a dear friend to me, and I miss you.

I'll never forget the lessons we learned. My twin flame. My karmic love connection. Thank you for the lessons. Even if we never rekindle again in this lifetime, I will always carry a tender heart and a profound gratefulness for you.

I'll take you to the moon. I promise.