healing

wow. I finally got myself to write my first post. I've been wanting to write for awhile now, and I finally did it! And hey, even if I'm rambling, or if I don't make sense, at least I'm putting something out there. Anyway, I wanted to talk about how my life is going right now. 

It's been a crazy few years. seriously.. the me five years ago would be SO proud of how far I've come. I can't even explain it. All my life, I've just been raw dogging my mental illness. I have struggled with severe depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and panic attacks. I've had to navigate an extremely toxic relationship and push through traumatic experiences that shaped me to be who I am today. I've been through a lot. I wanted to give up so many times...

Then came Zoloft. It's been about six months since I've started Zoloft. Six months since I've cried hysterically to a psychiatrist on MDLive. I could feel her judging, concerned eyes through the screen. I've taken anti-depressants before, Celexa and Lexapro, but it never worked for me. This time was different. Call me crazy, but I could feel the difference almost immediately. Anti-depressants are supposed to take a few months to actually work and kick in. The side effects are so extreme at first, but they do pass. I had insomnia, night sweats, nausea, and stomachaches. But God, as time went on, I was starting to feel like a normal person again. 

My anxiety lessened profoundly. I used to be so anxious about everything, all the time. I was so sensitive, so vulnerable, so easily overwhelmed. But Zoloft helped me navigate through these strong emotions. I am happy to say that Zoloft changed my life for the better. I am SO grateful for it. It has helped me take the steps needed to begin healing, to begin loving myself. What Zoloft specifically helps with is PTSD and trauma. It can treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. 

When I was 17, I had just received my license. Joyful with this newfound feeling of independence, I started driving. However, that feeling didn't last long. I caused a car accident. It was my fault, and I bore the weight of the guilt and anxiety for years. I wouldn't dare drive again. It ruined me. Coupled with my first relationship heartbreak, I fell into a deep depression. 

My second relationship was the most damaging. It was the first time I ever felt the emotional abuse of gaslighting, lying, and manipulation. I truly believe that it traumatized me. I became insecure. Depressed, suicidal. So unhappy, unconfident, and scared. When I first started dating my now boyfriend, Victor, I was so afraid that he was going to leave me or cheat on me. The insecurities consumed me. I was afraid I was always going to be like this forever. A consummation of all the toxicity that I've ever endured. I was becoming what I feared most. My depression, my anxiety, my wounded inner child; It was all there, out in the open, begging to be healed. 

 I would constantly hover over Victor, check his phone, feel insecure and scared whenever he would have girl friends. When he would hang out with one of his girl friends, I would begin to have panic attacks. Despite his constant reassurance, it was difficult for me to overcome this feeling. I am SO happy to say that now, I no longer feel insecure. 

I no longer dread or worry about him having girl friends. In fact, I now realize how cool and amazing they are and how I just want to be friends with them too. I feel so much happier, so much more confident in myself. I can feel myself healing. I am slowly learning how to love myself, and embracing everything about me. I am realizing how fucking amazing I am. That I am a wonderful friend, and that I love so, so hard. I used to worry about getting older, constantly comparing myself to my peers. But you have to realize that everyone grows at their own pace. I know for a fact, my 30's are going to be so amazing. And for once in my life, I'm looking forward to the future. Hell, I didn't even think that I would live long enough to have a future. I'm excited. I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to. I feel powerful, confident, loved, and beautiful. 

Cheesy as it sounds, I think I also have tarot to thank for that. Make fun of me all you want, but astrology has helped shape my perspective in so many ways. If you manifest happiness, it will come.